Darren Mulligan: I think that that experience of suffering over the years—and hardship and disappointment—has led me to lean into Jesus, into who He really is. And the more that I’ve gotten to know Him, the more my anxiety and my neediness and my desire for sinfulness has just disappeared, until I find myself in this strange place of peace and restfulness. My joy is not a happy clappy, cheap joy. It’s a joy that’s been purchased by the finished work of Jesus on a cross, primarily, and through my wanting to follow Him as He walks. Learn to walk in the old rhythms of grace, and you’ll find rest for your weary souls. 

A Hope That Erases Our Shame: Darren Mulligan and Joseph Habedank – Episode #416

Narrator: Welcome to the Jesus Calling Podcast. This week, we visit with two musicians who found their love for music early on, but took some devastating detours along the way to their dreams of full-time music careers.

Darren Mulligan is songwriter and lead singer for the Dove Award-winning Christian music group We Are Messengers. Early in his music pursuits, Darren found himself indulging in other things that caused damage to himself and to those he loved—admitting that he was, “manipulative and just very broken.” He shares the story of attending a little church in his hometown in Monaghan, Ireland, and what happened that altered his course—and his music—forever.  

Joseph Habedank is a two-time time Grammy nominated singer and songwriter who traveled for many years with the legendary southern gospel group The Perrys. Dealing with an ailment on the road, Joseph unexpectedly fell into addiction and found himself trading his dreams of singing for the pursuit of his next high. He shares what reaching rock bottom meant to him, and how he sought help in prayer, rehabilitation, and therapy. 

Let’s start with Darren’s story.

Darren Mulligan: I’m Darren Mulligan. I’m from Ireland. I’m a daddy of four kids. I’m married to Heidi. And I am a singer in a rock and roll band called We are Messengers who write songs for messy, broken people and want our music to be the soundtrack as people move towards joy in Jesus. 

Growing Up in Ireland

I grew up in a very rural Ireland, in a little village called Ballinode. I have four siblings, and my mother and father, Carmel and Frank Mulligan, are incredible human beings. I remember my mom and dad giving everything of themselves so that we could have food on our table and clothes on our backs and a roof over our heads. I grew up never knowing that we didn’t have lots of stuff. The love and tenderness and kindness that we had as children… you were never poor when you had that. 

“The love and tenderness and kindness that we had as children… you were never poor when you had that.” – Darren Mulligan

And so I grew up and fell in love with music because my mom and dad loved listening to Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson, and I saw that music would take you away from heartache. 

My mom and dad bought me a little red and white Fender Stratocaster knockoff guitar when I was thirteen, and it absolutely changed my world. I remember sitting in the garage at the back of the house, just playing these Nirvana covers and learning all these old grunge songs. I fell in love with guitar and fell in love with that raw, raucous noise that you could make. And probably, it got me through a lot of very lonely years as a young boy. 

But as I got older and became a teenager, being good couldn’t keep me from my own sin. I fell into things I was very ashamed of: promiscuity and drunkenness and violence and blasphemy. And eventually, it led me to agnosticism and atheism. I suppose at that point, my life was falling apart, even though I thought I was having a good time. I remember selling all my guitars because I assumed that guitars were the things that had led me into all of this sin in my life. It was a very small view of God that He couldn’t use the gifts He had given me, and He couldn’t keep me from my sin. 

“I remember selling all my guitars because I assumed that guitars were the things that had led me into all of this sin in my life. It was a very small view of God that He couldn’t use the gifts He had given me, and He couldn’t keep me from my sin.” – Darren Mulligan 

And so a couple of years later, I started playing guitar again. In my early twenties, I was playing in hardcore bands and screamo bands. We were playing the scene in Dublin, and eventually we moved to New York, lived in Brooklyn for a while, lived in Chicago for a while, but basically spent about three years in my early twenties touring around America and playing at dive bars, living off Wendy’s and McDonald’s dollar menus. I learned what it looked like to be a grinder and work hard and survive off very little. 

It was probably in my mid twenties where my behavior really kind of went off the rails. You know, at that point I’d been dating a girl called Heidi, who I’d met in Galway in 1999. We were just kids, and we started this relationship. And so about ten years into that, I was living in America. She had moved from Scotland to live in Ireland. I had abandoned her. I was finding myself sleeping with strange women in cars in strange places. And I was causing a lot of damage to people. I was very manipulative, just very, very broken. And I used alcohol, I guess, to allow me to sing the way I wanted to sing. 

I was a pretty poor example of what a man should look like, and that girlfriend of mine, Heidi, had this incredible encounter with Jesus in Dublin in 2006, and she fully gave her life to Christ in response to His calling. And I remember just such a radical change, I started to see that joyfulness and contentment in her where before there was none. And just to see what God could do with someone… I remember at the time being really angry because I didn’t want her to be happy because I was absolutely miserable. And, you know, misery loves company. But what I later found out in life is that joy needs a friend too, you know?

“Misery loves company. But what I later found out in life is that joy needs a friend too, you know?” – Darren Mulligan 

We had been attending this little church in my hometown, Monaghan, in Ireland. One day at my little church meeting, I was hearing the pastor preach the same message he had preached for months about the death and resurrection of Jesus, about my sin and the need for a Savior and repentance. And for the first time in my life, I realized that this Jesus was real. It was His realness, I can’t describe it, like I’m looking at a table here and I can feel it and I can touch it and know it’s a table. And in my mind, Jesus became so concrete, so real, so solid, that instantly all of my sin just condemned me massively in His presence. And so I came to Jesus out of absolute terror. Absolute terror. But what’s beautiful about that is that I started a journey towards reading the scriptures. And the more I read the Bible, the more my terror faded and was replaced with a kind of gratitude and a thankfulness and a hopefulness. 

A year after we got married, He just told me to go and tell my wife everything I’d ever done. And so I went home and I told her about affairs and shameful things. And I waited for this wonderful lady to push me away. Because in my experience, when you do bad things, people reject you. Or when you disappoint them, they reject you and push you away. But she had been with Jesus and she didn’t reject me. She put her arms around me and told me she loved me and forgave me. And she kissed me. And I remember in that moment really falling in love with Jesus, because the words that I had read in the Bible were proved to be true by the actions of my wife. 

There’s a lot of areas in my life that I’ve messed up, nearly every area—being a father, being a husband, being a follower, being a man. And it’s the grace of God that I rely on so heavily. But one area I’ve kept really pure and true all these years is songwriting and the performance of those songs. I realized that music has this ability to move you from one place to another. And the beautiful thing about music that is steeped in walking with Jesus is that long after a concert finishes, these words are true. 

“There’s a lot of areas in my life that I’ve messed up, nearly every area—being a father, being a husband, being a follower, being a man. And it’s the grace of God that I rely on so heavily.” – Darren Mulligan

Walking with Jesus over the last few years, I find that I have this joy in my life that I only thought was for other people. I always thought joy was something that other people had, but it couldn’t be for this Irishman, you know? Couldn’t be for me. And what I realized is that suffering and sorrow and disappointment in my life were not things to be avoided. They were things to be embraced, because Jesus was with me and is with me in those things. 

Romans 5:3 says that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance leads to character, and character leads to hope, and hope does not put us to shame. I think of my musical ability. That’s something that Jesus was sculpting in me long before I knew it was Him. What I realized was joy couldn’t be purchased through all my hard work. My good deeds as a Christian couldn’t be purchased through trying to be bad or trying to be good. My joy could only be found in walking close enough to Jesus that I learn to love what He loves. I learned to do what He does, and I learned to listen like He listens. And so I never want to be too far ahead of Him. There’s no joy there. I never want to be so far behind that I can’t hear Him. There’s no joy there. But joy is right there with Jesus in the scriptures through the Holy Spirit, the steady presence of God in my life. It is the joy of the Lord that is our strength. 

“My joy could only be found in walking close enough to Jesus that I learn to love what He loves.” – Darren Mulligan

When I see that this music is acting as something that they can hold onto, I recognize that I’m much too poor of a human to have accomplished that. Jesus is the center, and we all revolve around Him.

Talking With Jesus, Not Just About Him

We can talk all day about Jesus, but do we want to talk with Jesus? My wife is a real encouragement in that. She really seeks God out at every opportunity, and that really inspires me to do the same. 

I think I have Jesus Calling at home, actually, in Ireland. I love devotionals, I love hearing what other people say about the scriptures. I love listening to what they extrapolate from the scriptures. I love the way they’re concise and considered and thoughtful and planned out because I can be quite chaotic. So I guess they help to stop me looking at squirrels and keep me focused. And honestly, when I was younger in my faith, they were even more valuable because the scriptures are confusing, especially for a man who’s come out of the grave. The scriptures can be hauntingly difficult to read. And I think that’s the real usefulness of devotionals in my life.

Jesus Listens, December 29th:

Restful Lord Jesus,

I confess that sometimes I get so focused on the problems I see and the predictions I hear that my joy gets buried under layers of worry and fear. When this happens, I need to bring my concerns to You—talking with You about each one, seeking Your help and guidance, asking You to remove those worry- layers. As I entrust My concerns into Your care and keeping, Joy begins to emerge again. I’ve learned that the most effective way for me to nurture this gladness is speaking and singing praises to You—the King of Glory!

In Your praiseworthy Name, 

Amen

Narrator: To learn more about Darren Mulligan, please visit wearemessengers.com, & be sure to check out his new album, Where The Joy Is, wherever you purchase your music. 

Stay tuned to Joseph Habedank’s story after a brief message.

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Deepen Your Communication With God: Jesus Listens Notetaking Edition

Jesus Listens is the 365 day prayer devotional that people everywhere use to guide their prayer life and deepen their communication with God. Now, there’s a new way to keep up with your daily prayers, the Jesus Listens Notetaking Edition. This edition includes full text of Jesus Listens, written out scripture verses, and journaling space. Experience how intentional prayer connects you to God, changes your heart, and can even move mountains.

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Our next guest is talented southern gospel singer and songwriter Joseph Habedank. From an early age, Joseph dreamed of singing gospel music, and his dreams came to life when he joined the legendary group The Perrys when he was just seventeen years old. But that dream would be short circuited by a circumstance on the road that led to a cycle of addiction that would grip him over the next few years, potentially robbing him of the chance to ever sing on stage again. 

Joseph Habedank: My name is Joseph Habedank, and I‘ve been singing Christian music for, well, really all my life. But I’ve been doing it professionally for twenty-one years, and it’s been one of the greatest joys of my life to get to live out kind of my dream as a kid.

I was born in a little town outside of Cleveland, Ohio called Painesville. And my grandfather, my mom’s dad, was the pastor of a church. Mom and Dad fell in love at a young age and got married when my dad was nineteen, Mom was seventeen. And they had me a year later and then had my brothers right after me. So we were stair-steppers. It was pretty amazing growing up, even though I don’t remember a whole lot about the eighties, growing up with two brothers that were that close to me in age. 

And then my parents actually divorced in 1989, and we moved to Dayton, Ohio. And really, to be honest with you, that’s kind of when my memories started as a kid. I started dreaming about singing Christian music. I remember listening to a Walkman as a five-year-old kid and thinking, Man, this is what I want to do. It’s so odd to say that now, because you would think as a five year old little kid, like, how in the world is he going to know what he wants to do at five years old? And yet listening to that music, I just knew in my heart this is what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. 

Joseph Gets Discovered By The Perrys

I remember the first time we ever sang together was actually at a church, First Baptist Forest Ohio, and I was five. My middle brother Nate was four, and my baby brother Tim was three, and we sang “He’s Still Working on Me,” an old Hemphills song. And through the years, we sang more often. We did revivals, camp meetings, church services. And then during our teenage years, my brothers kind of lost interest, they got busy with sports and school, but I never really lost my desire or my passion to sing. And so I bought a 1994 green Camaro for $3,900. I’d saved money and paid cash, which back then was a lot of money. And I remember asking my mom if I could get some churches to book me so I could go sing, and she thought nobody was going to book a sixteen year old kid. She said, “Sure.” And sure enough, these churches started booking me and I would take a Rubbermaid box full of CDs or cassettes back then, and I would drive to the hills of West Virginia, or go to Kentucky and Indiana, and sing. 

When I was about seventeen years old, I decided to enter a talent competition in Owensboro, Kentucky, at the The Crabb Family homecoming. And the winner of that was going to be able to make a CD. And so I won the competition and I made a CD at Day One Records—which God knew, but I didn’t know at the time, was going to be my record label for the next two decades. And I did a little solo album at their studio, and a guy named Kirk Talley, a singer in the southern gospel world, heard me sing at my church and told The Perrys about me.

I was a huge The Perrys fan. I grew up on southern gospel, loved their music. And so I tried out, got the job, and literally started traveling all over the country. They hired me when I was seventeen years old, which, looking back, is just absolutely insane that they did that. I was with The Perrys for a decade, and it was an amazing, amazing time in my life. All my dreams kind of came true at a young age, and I was just so grateful. 

An Addiction Robs Joseph of His Dreams

I was raised around addiction, even though I was raised in a Christian home. 

We were singing in North Carolina, I woke up and had a sore throat, which wasn’t a big deal. I thought maybe I was getting a cold or allergies. And come to find out, there was an ulcer on my throat and it was kind of like a canker sore. It grew to be the size of a quarter on the back of my throat. Worst pain I’d ever been in. And I went on the road that weekend, and a lady saw that I was visibly in pain, and very innocently said, “I think I’ve got some pain medicine that will help you.” And I didn’t know anything about prescription narcotics. I knew about illicit drugs, but I didn’t know anything about that. And so I took the two pills. And I have to be honest with you, I absolutely fell in love with the feeling the first time I ever took it. 

I’m kind of an introvert at heart, I’m a loner. And this pill made me talkative and fun and outgoing. I loved being around people. I just thought, Man, all my problems, all my insecurities…  I feel like the enemy in that moment started whispering, “This is what you’ve been missing your whole life.”

The Perrys gave me numerous chances to get clean, and I just couldn’t do it. And finally they came to me and said, “We’ve caught you using these drugs three or four times now, and we can’t have you on the road anymore. What would you like to do?”

And so I stepped down after ten years, in 2013. I was a Christian music artist, and I was chasing dope. That was my full time job, and I was exhausted. It was probably the darkest time in my life. I really thought I’d never sing again. 

“I was a Christian music artist, and I was chasing dope. That was my full time job, and I was exhausted. It was probably the darkest time in my life. I really thought I’d never sing again.” – Joseph Habedank 

Rock Bottom, Recovery and Redemption

When I lost my job doing what I’ve always wanted to do, which is sing about Jesus, my whole identity was kind of wrapped up in me as a singer and songwriter, which I don’t necessarily think is a great thing. But when I lost that, that was my rock bottom. I thought, If I can no longer do what God put me on this earth to do, I need help. 

“When I lost my job doing what I’ve always wanted to do, which is sing about Jesus, that was my rock bottom. I thought, If I can no longer do what God put me on this earth to do, I need help.” – Joseph Habedank

I went to a place called Porter’s Call in Nashville. I remember the night I lost my job emailing Al Andrews and saying, “I’ve just lost my job. I need help. I’m addicted to prescription drugs.” And Al said something I’ll never forget. He said, “I’m praying for you. There is a way through.” And when he said that, I thought, Oh, there’s a way through this. I believed him. And he introduced me to a wonderful addiction counselor who introduced me to Cumberland Heights, where I went to treatment. 

It was close to $25,000 to go to treatment there. I didn’t have the money. And the Grammys MusiCares program paid for me to go to treatment, which is such an amazing, amazing organization, and I’ll never forget that. After I did a month of in-patient, I did five weeks outpatient, and then I did ninety meetings in ninety days, and I got a sponsor.

My sponsor, his name is Russ Taff, and he’s an amazing, iconic Christian music artist who literally showed up when I was in treatment just to have lunch with me and tell me it was going to be okay. And he didn’t know me from Adam, either. But he came and I said, “Russ, they’re telling me I need a sponsor, would you be my sponsor?” And he didn’t hesitate. He said, “Absolutely, here’s my home number. Here’s my cell number. I don’t get a very good signal where we live in Tennessee,” he said. “But call my home number if you can’t get my cell.” And Russ Taff is still my sponsor to this day. 

So much of our addiction is tied up in lies. And once we bring something from the darkness into the light, it loses its power. I learned that very early on in my recovery. We kind of hide and we don’t talk to people about what we’re struggling with because we’re embarrassed, and our pride kicks in. And we also don’t want to admit that we’re an addict. I mean, who wants to admit they’re an addict or an alcoholic? Nobody. 

“So much of our addiction is tied up in lies. And once we bring something from the darkness into the light, it loses its power.” – Joseph Habedank 

I actually say this a lot in my concerts. Back in the seventies and eighties, you’d see a guy on the street corner with a cardboard sign. You’d think, That’s an addict, that’s an alcoholic, he’s struggling. We probably still do that. And now, because of the prescription drug epidemic, it can be a lawyer, it could be a pastor, it could be a doctor, it could be a nurse, it could be a singer. Anybody can get hooked on these things because what starts as an innocent treatment for pain can become literally an addiction that causes you to lie, to steal, to cheat. It’s amazing how powerful these prescription drugs are. I think the biggest advice I could give somebody at the beginning of their recovery, or at the end of their addiction, would be you have to talk to somebody.

Making Music With a Message of Hope

For me, it’s so important to record music, to write music that says something and that is relevant, not just something that feels good. And I have nothing against feel-good music. In fact, there’s days when I need some feel-good music. But for me, based on my story and kind of what I’ve walked through, it’s always been paramount for me to record music that speaks truth, and a message of hope. 

So my brand new album, Autobiography, is different from anything that I’ve ever recorded because it’s kind of a story of my life, but it’s also the story, more importantly, of Jesus in my life. The first song that I wrote for this record was a song called “The Basement,” and it’s about recovery meetings that take place in the basements of churches. And obviously that speaks into the autobiography of my life. 

Intentionally Connecting With God Improves Our Lives

When I lay down every night I say, “God, thank you for another day of sobriety. I pray that you’ll give me just one more.” I’ve done that every night for almost eleven years. 

I think connecting with God on a daily basis, whether it’s through the Bible or obviously through amazing ministries like Jesus Calling, I mean, it is so paramount to our faith to connect with Him, to let Him know that we are grateful for what He’s doing in our lives. I think so many times, for me, I always go to God and I’m asking Him for something like, “I need this,” and, “Will you help this? Will you be with me in this? Will you supply this and will you provide this?” And yet sometimes I forget that He just wants me to talk to Him. 

There’s so many things that distract me, and yet it is so important for me to connect with Him on a daily basis. And I’ve been going through a season in my life right now, probably because I just bought a tour bus, where I’m literally having to pray all throughout the day. 

It’s kind of like how Paul talked about prayer without ceasing. I’m literally talking to Him, “Hey, God, I really could use some wisdom in this decision. I really could use some patience. I really could use some vision.” I need help almost all the time, it’s so important for me and I think everybody should connect with God, because if you don’t intentionally talk to God, if you don’t have a moment, a time every day where you can connect with Him in His Word, you will become lonely. It’s so amazing to me that we base our whole Christianity on this word called faith. And the reason we do that is because we literally have to talk to someone that we have never seen. We have to lean on that word, faith, and believe that not only is He there, but He’s listening and He cares and He loves us.

“It’s so amazing to me that we base our whole Christianity on this word called faith. And the reason we do that is because we literally have to talk to someone that we have never seen. We have to lean on that word, faith, and believe that not only is He there, but He’s listening and He cares and He loves us.” – Joseph Habeank

Jesus Listens, May 14th:

My Savior-God,

When many things seem to be going wrong and my life feels increasingly out of control, 

help me to trust You and thank You. These are supernatural responses that can lift me above my circumstances. If I do what comes naturally in the face of difficulties, I tend to fall prey to negativism.

Once I’ve recovered all my lost ground, I can face my circumstances from a humble perspective. If I choose supernatural responses this time—trusting and thanking You—

Your Peace that surpasses understanding will guard my heart and my mind.

In Your unsurpassed Name, Jesus, 

Amen

Narrator: You can find Joseph’s new record, Autobiography, wherever you buy music. And be sure to check him out on social media to find where you can see him in concert in a city near you. 

If you liked this interview, you can hear another powerful story about recovery from addiction from none other than Joseph’s own sponsor, legendary Christian musician Russ Taff. Just head to JesusCalling.com/podcast and type “Russ Taff” into the search bar. 

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Next week: John Michael Talbot

Next time on the Jesus Calling Podcast, we’ll hear from renowned Christian music artist John Micahel Talbot, who’s won multiple Grammy and Dove awards. John shares the spiritual influences that led him to found a monastic community, and the joy and inspiration he’s found in quiet solitude. 

John Michael Talbot: See, praise and worship goes up to God, and it’s letting go of yourself to God upwards. Quiet music is a letting go of yourself that’s a downward letting go. And the goal is to go through the cross of Christ and let go of the old self. One is an upward movement, the other is downward letting go. Both of them, when done right, are letting go of the old self.